Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Willy Bogner Jr: Wanted for crimes against winter fashion

This is Willy Bogner Jr...

After a mildly successful career in ski racing he inherited the Bogner ski fashion company from his dad Senior Willy. Before Junior got involved, Bogner produced relatively subtle designs like this:

But when Junior joined the team they started to jazz things up a little:

Croquet and Tubbs. 

In those early years of Junior's involvement, Bogner managed to wrangle the prime ski fashion gig of dressing James Bond...


Check the guy in the furry moonboots.

Courchevel chic

High waisted nonsense.

Willy Bogner Jr found that he liked dressing up people in movies so much he then decided he'd make a movie entirely dedicated to the subject.

And despite once dressing him in a banana suit, he somehow managed to convince a post James Bond Moore to get involved in the sequel.

Looks awesome, but the reality of that rocket-propelled skier was somewhat less impressive:

It was also a real low-point for snowboarding.

But, it actually looks worth a watch just to see how many different ways they could invent that allowed people to crash at high speeds...

Madness, but kind of in a good way, like the Grenade Games in spandex.

The key problem with that movie though, is that although it might be fun to watch, the fashion was stand-out awful and unfortunately for Willy and the rest of the world, due to the family business, fashion was ultimately his career. Since he took full control of the business the output of Bogner has became steadily more and more heinous...

Penelope Pitstop

Dual fashion gimps

Shaun White pants and a jacket made from mustard-coloured grandma curtains

Full zebra, the only benefit of this startling look is that you can blend in with a crowd of other zebra-themed idiots.

Team colour-blind octogenarian Italian ski instructors.

I can only imagine that this jacket was created purely to use every leftover piece of material, zip and badge they had lying around the factory. 

The eagle made a targeted sartorial statement by trying to kill this shitty Ed Hardy-like jacket.

"What are we going to do this season?"
"Let's just do fucking everything!"

Fucking hell Willy. What the shit is this!?!

And when he's not producing utter crap for posh ladies who lounge around ski resorts, he spends his time producing Olympic outfits that give Ralph Lauren's USA ones a run for their money.

For Sochi this is what he dressed the German team up in.

A lot of people at the time were wondering if this was the Germans sticking it up the anti-gay nose of Vlad Putin. I can however confirm that it was actually just shit design.

The Germans got the worst in terms of sheer volume at Sochi, but the poor Tongan's got it worse in terms of pure concentration of fashion evil. Here he is smugly sporting the outfit that uses his trademark style of cramming in every graphic possible...

Worth noting again the pants the German ladies were forced to wear.

By far the most bonkers thing about Willy's fashion business surprisingly isn't the rotten designs, it's the amount of money this stuff costs to buy. A Bogner jacket will cost anything up to $3,300, pants $1,200, gloves $350, a set of skis $3,500. Take a guess at how much this beanie will cost...

This sparkly helmet...

& these...

I don't know how much these cost, but if they cost some money they are equally as over-priced.

OK, I kinda lied, I'm actually pretty torn on whether the worst thing is the cost or the fashion after all, because in addition to those boots, this is what he's planning next...
I imagine one of these sparkly twat jackets will set you back around about a million dollars a piece when they come to market, but they weren't even the worst thing at that show...

The 27th anniversary Running Man reunion tour was extremely underwhelming.

For 40 years Willy Bogner Jr. has somehow got away with foisting clothing that looks like it was created by two monkeys having a knife fight in Liberace's wardrobe and amazingly he's made a lot of money from it. It's one of the most perplexing careers in skiing and a great hope for anybody with very limited talent who are lucky enough to inherit an already thriving family business, particularly in fashion, because apparently no one in fashion has the faintest fucking clue about fashion. We can only dread what will happen next.

If nothing else, this small segment of Fire and Ice should be enough to condemn him for all eternity.

Willy Bogner Jr.

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