Monday, February 3, 2014

9 Things we're missing out on because monoskiing isn't in the Olympics

Once again monoskiing didn't make the cut for the Olympics, fuck knows what the organisers are thinking. Here's what we're missing out on...

Coming-up we have a array of photographic evidence that demonstrates that all monoskiers have three core things in common (other than monoskis). Three things that will be sorely missed from all the other Winter Olympics events:

1. Good old-fashioned, non-ironic onesies. 

Onsies how they should be done, not worn ironically by drunken holiday makers you wouldn't get tired of slapping, and not those fethishy figure-hugging outfits that the skiers currently enjoy squeezing themselves into. Only monoskiing was truly able to pull-off this most perplexing of fashions.

2. A dedicated use of sunglasses in all circumstances.

3. The epic flailing arms of monoskiing. 

It was a thing of beauty, a unique style, the simple elation in their eyes as they launched themselves uncontrollably into the void, was a joy to watch. Look at their happy little faces, it's almost like they understand.

"I'm the king of the world!!!!"

I didn't think it was possible, but this guy has possibly taken the flailing too far...

4. Pierre Raisson's epic baldy-mullet

5. Pierre's

It's a little known fact that all Pierre's monoski and all monoskiers are called Pierre. Here for example is the aptly named Pierre PoncĂ©

5. Their mesmerising skinky hips.

God those hips.

Speaking of which...

6. An entirely openly-gay sport. 

That would have really got Putin's knickers in a twist.

On another note, is that guy's head levitating?

7. Female monoskiers only monoski in swimsuits or birthday suits

These are the only four pictures that exist of women on monoskis....

...and they're all called Pierre.

8. Rocket monoskis

9. Tandem monoskiing

What use is the Winter Olympics if they don't include the ultimate challenge.

A pair of Pierre

Here's another pair of Pierre caught during their dangerous and beautiful mating ritual.

Ah well, maybe next time.

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